A Little Tool I Like To Call "Fuck That"
Maybe it has something to do with being raised in a religion that cloaked my soul and spirit with layer upon layer of heavy guilt, shame, should's, have to's, and supposed to's about life, about my wants, my needs, my desires, my passions.
Or maybe my soul was just fierce from the get go, and "excuse me, please" and other sweet sentiments just weren't enough for some jobs I've had to do in order to save my soul along the way.
Or maybe I just like the fuck word.
Yeah, for sure I like the fuck word.
And for sure there's a part of my soul that is fierce. It's a part of me that I haven't always liked or claimed. Hell, I spent many years just being downright afraid of the fierce parts of my soul! I never wanted to be a "bitch," after all. I much preferred being a "good girl" when I could. Because it seemed to give me a better chance at not pushing people away. And I just love people. And connecting with them. Sigh.
But somewhere along the line, when my soul was really aching and I couldn't take it anymore, I had to learn to start saying no. And often. I had to let my soul speak (scary). And I had to trust it (not easy). And in the beginning of that journey, my soul said a lot of things like
"That's not for me."
"Ew! Get me out from under these putrid layers!"
"Stop playing people's stupid games and play the guitar instead."
"Slow down. Stop running yourself ragged for everyone else's wants and wishes."
and.... "Fuck that."
It's hard to admit. But, I suppose it's a test that my soul gave me. Wanting to see if I would say "fuck that" to another person's misfitting plans for or abuse of me in order to be loyal to myself. In which case, "fuck that" becomes something between me and me. Not me and the other person.
You see, I don't blame people. I don't blame them for throwing expectations and should's and supposed to's at me. Because, if they're throwing them at me, they're most likely contending with those things themselves, and that’s not easy.
So, to all that doesn't fit quite right, that makes me feel squirmy under the weight of expectation. To the illusions, and distractions, lies, pretenses, and energy drains, I say "fuck that!"
No, I don't go around waving a "fuck you" flag or spewing these sentiments every time I feel the ick slapped upon me. Because, remember, I do this for me, not anyone else. I don't always have to say something to the other person for it to be effective. It's an energy thing. It's an intention. It's a filter, a guard, a protection. And that shit's powerful. It works. It's one of the kindest things I can do for my soul. And, in turn, the people I love.
And as far as I've grown, I can tell you this: the task is worth it. There's a huge, incredible, magnificent vista with breathtaking views and FREEDOMS around every corner of "not quite rightness." And sometimes saying "fuck that" to what doesn't work for us really helps us turn that corner. And quicker, too.
Because "no thank you" only worked for the first half of the mountain. The second half is more grueling and fierce. There's a lot of growling and sweating going on. And I don't know about you, but when I'm disgruntled, growling, sweating, trying to find my way and someone throws a misfitting expectation or energy drain at me, "fuck that" cuts to the soul chase a lot quicker.
There's a lot of shit out there. And there are always people, places, and things willing to throw it at you.
So, "fuck that." Apply as needed.